I'll never forget the feelings that overcame me that evening, in the run-down 3-bedroom apartment in Fort Smith AR, that I shared with 2 friends, sitting in my bathroom staring at a stick with the first 2 pink lines I'd ever seen, and they scared me to death, I knew my life would never be the same.
I shared my news with the boy who was half-way responsible for this outcome, called my sister to fall apart, and then called my Mom to find comfort, guidance and wisdom on what to do next. I'd never considered an abortion in my life, but I would be lying to say the thought didn't cross my mind, and in that same split second I knew as scared as I was I could never give my child up for anything. I was frightened. I was barely past being a child myself... hardly prepared to raise a child, and certainly not set up for it in my current situation. Not to mention I was getting more sick by the day.... each morning was a little harder to hold things down, and much more difficult to force myself to leave for work while feeling like my entire body was rejecting this new... adventure.
I quickly realized in order to give my child the best life possible and start to work on figuring out what it was I wanted and needed now that everything was changing, I would have to leave the life I was living and going where I would have help, support, and encouragement as I faced the fact that at barely 19 years old, it was time to start living for someone else. So I did.
I quit the job I'd been too sick to be much good at lately, I packed what fit back into my car, emptied my savings for travel money, and in the company of a dear friend I travelled the 1,665 miles back to Boise, ID, to the family who awaited me with open arms.
I had always been the girl who knew exactly what she was doing. Suddenly I was questioning everything, and trusting fewer than ever before. My world would never be the same. Everything I did was what I felt was the best at the time, what worked for me and seemed the best option for my mini.
It may not all have been right according to some, but it was the best I could do at 19 years old.
There are a million things that happened, from the moment those lines showed up, until now, 5 years later with a 4 1/2 year old little boy.
"They" say there are 2-sides to every story. And it's true. Sadly though the truth remains that at some point, "now" is all that matters. Sometimes the details are less important than the big picture. And in certain situations it's not so much about what someone else has done, but what I have done.
I hear the other side of my story... of my son's story... I've questioned myself, searched my heart for things I had forgotten, and come back to the same conclusions. There is nothing I could have done differently without betraying myself or my son at the time. I did my best. It may not be what I'd do now, but certain people might be grateful, 'cause now I'm wiser, and less likely to be walked on.
Yes, I hear the other side, and I can't decide whether to laugh or cry, or both! Because for all the things that can be said.... I was here. I lived it. I don't need a victim role anymore, I don't need to tell a sob story or justify the actions and decisions of a 19 yr old single Mom. I am a powerful woman, and I don't give my power away to anyone. My son is happy, healthy, intelligent, learning& growing every day knowing he is loved, special, incredible, and Mommy's darling. He loves his life, he loves his family, and he's learning what family is all about.
This new season saddens and scares me. He's smart, and he has things figured out more than I think I did at 4 years old. It scares me that I might answer wrong... I don't want to taint his views, I don't want to be dishonest, I also can't tell him things beyond his years, I still have to protect him.
He's always known his Daddy came later in life... now he asks about who was there before, or why they weren't.
I know there are things my Mom could have handled better, and I also know that I was always thankful that she bothered to talk to us about it the way she did, pain and all. My story is different, the outcome so far is the same... a child left with poor excuses for why someone wasn't there, a Mom& Dad left trying to make it as painless& simple as possible.
I'm so thankful for a wonderful husband, who handles things gently and assures his son every chance he gets that he is HIS, and he is loved. I'm thankful for a man who more than fills the gap.... who is more of a Dad than I ever would have imagined my children would have.
I'm thankful that my eldest son adores his Daddy, and no matter what else he doesn't understand, he knows that his Daddy loves him, and he is so adorably proud to be his son. He's the best big brother in the world, and he knows his place in our family, and claims it with all the pride a 4 year old should have.
I'm nervous, and I hate that I'm facing a situation I always hoped to avoid. I'm sad that a once very dear friend could so easily convince even himself of things he must know as well as I do, are far from the truth. It makes me sick that anyone can walk away and leave a child for any reason, never sending so much as a birthday gift, or even accepting the offer to talk to them, anything, to let them know they're there, whatever, whenever, however, they can be...
And I'm thankful. That no matter what, my son has a wonderful, loving family who will never leave him feeling vulnerable.
I have no apologies to make. I've already made the only apology I owed, to my son, that I had to complicate his life a little at such a young age with such a confusing situation, and that it couldn't have been explained earlier. And with that I promised to answer his questions the best I can, to always tell the truth, and to never let anything happen that he isn't ok with... he replied with, "I know. I love you Mommy.", and that's all I needed to know.
I'm still doing the best that I can for the boy I've loved more than life itself since the moment he was conceived.
So go ahead, tell your stories, convince yourself of whatever makes you feel better... you weren't here. You made and are making your decisions and I'm making mine. You never showed up or put forth any kind of effort to attempt to be anything different than you are now. A stranger. A name. A figure in a boys head, an idea of something he's not quite got figured out yet. I leave the victim role to you....
... I don't have time. I have a boy here begging me to play ninjas. :)
