For my Boo.

My dear Caleb,

  It has been 7 years today since the first time I laid eyes on you. It's hard to imagine my life before I was your Mom... It feels so empty just to think about. Sure, I enjoyed aspects of it, but I wouldn't ever go back. You my son, have changed my world every single day since the first day I held you, & really before that even. You make me laugh with your silly antics, even when you don't realize it, your brothers adoration of you is a testament to your kindness & fun-loving ways. They look up to you, and I am thankful every day that you are their big brother. I don't believe there could be a better brother to look to. 

I am more proud of you every single day. It's such an honor to be your Mom. I can't tell you how I feel when I hear you defending friends from bullies, or talking your brothers through a fight... teaching people to love, forgive, get along & accept... just as you yourself do daily for everyone around you. You're such an amazing young man. The past couple of months have been hard, and I couldn't have done it without you. From helping with chores, to helping with brothers, to holding my hand and walking next to me to crawling into bed and cuddling for a few minutes each morning, you've reminded me in a million ways that my life is beautiful.

Never stop being you. I can promise you this baby, no matter what happens in your life, I will always be your biggest fan. I am so very proud of you. 

Happy 7th Birthday my Caleb Aden Ralston. 
Mommy loves you... more & more.

I'll have a fairytale, with a twist.

When I was younger I dreamed of a fairytale like I had seen in the movies. A princess locked in a tower, waiting for her prince charming to brave the woods, slay the dragon& rescue her.

Inside walls most people didn't know existed I lived with scars from battles that I couldn't wrap my head around. I dreamed& touted freedom& love while wishing I could make them real. 

I have had a beautiful life. Family not many are lucky to experience. Friends I couldn't imagine my life's journey without. Love, laughter, amazing experiences... & 3 incredible little boys who changed my world one at a time & everyday since they arrived. I had the honor of marrying a man I thought was perfect. A man I respected & adored. 

I chose to believe my fairy tale had arrived & all I had left was living happily ever after. 

And then time allowed healing, growth, and changes in perspective. I began to see that I had counted on a hero, when I was the only one who could save me from myself, from the castle tower I had built and crawled into for protection from the storms. As I saw myself in a new light, I saw what was & was not working in my life in new ways. I saw things that needed change... and slowly, painfully, and completely imperfectly I set out to change them. 

If I'm being completely honest, my clear realization of what was going on didn't come until much more recently. The struggle and underlying feelings however began some time ago. 

I am choosing not to dredge back through the what, why & how. I am here. And I want to share where "here" is...

I described myself to someone awhile back as a princess type. I like the idea of my castle and happily ever after. But what I realized since then is I'm not cinderella. I don't hide in corners, waiting for prince charming. I'm a WARRIOR princess. Fighting for my cause, my castle... myself. I am learning to embrace what I've known but been afraid to fully accept... I have everything I need. And "prince charming" had better be able to keep up if he plans on being in my world! ;)

Life is not some make-believe story. And fairy tales are not all about the rescue... I think they're more about love. So if I can love myself, truly love myself the way I want to be loved, then I think I already have the PERFECT fairy tale.

(& I have 3 cute princes in my story too!! ;p)

There's a saying someone sent me, that I adore.
"Strong women wear their pain like stilettos. No matter how much it hurts all you see is the beauty of it."
I certainly hope that the beauty I see & create will be seen by those around me as well.