Nothing vague about it.

My son's voice from a couple of days ago is playing over and over in my head this morning...

"Mommy, please don't invite my other dad, Adrian....... I really don't want him to come to our Christmas. I don't know him, and I don't like him. I don't want him to come to my house. Please don't..."

A conversation between my sister and I about plans for Christmas day... talking about when Aunt Kasey& Aunt Adriene would show up on Christmas evening, and out of nowhere I got this request.
I wanted to find it funny, instead it just broke my heart.
He repeated himself once or twice while I sat there stunned, not sure how to respond... and after I finally assured him I would not extend the invitation he followed with...

"Thanks Mom! I just don't want him here. I don't know him. And I love my new Daddy."

I would have cried if he hadn't been sitting in front of me. 

On one hand, knowing he loves his Daddy is wonderful.

At the same time, realizing that just because he doesn't talk about him every day, we hadn't really talked about him in months, doesn't mean he doesn't understand what was explained to him fully this year... that he has a different biological father than this brothers, and that man's not here, and never was... it sucks.

I'm sure there are things I just don't understand. I'm sure that I could be more sympathetic. I just don't want to, because I love this little boy more than anything in this world and it hurts to watch his face when he's saying things like this. 

He's 4. His greatest worry should be what paint to use on his picture, and whether to ride his scooter or his bike, and which legos to build next... he shouldn't be wondering who this guy is and if he might show up to disrupt his world. 

He has asked so many questions this year, and I've done my best to provide honest, gentle answers.
I've given him examples of friends of his/ours who also have biological fathers, all of them different with different relationships and outcomes, explaining that anything is possible and it will be what we make of it, and I've listened to responses such as, "Does Micah hate his the same way I hate my 'logilogical' Dad?", that one hurt to hear. I explained to my young son that hate is a choice that harms mostly those choosing to allow the feeling, and we really shouldn't hate. Especially people we don't know. Besides, he didn't remember him, how did he know he wouldn't like him? "He's a good guy", I said. And then I stopped and wondered when I started sounding so much like my mother. I remember being 4/5ish and older and my Mom giving me the same speeches about my so-called Father. I remember looking at her wondering if she thought I was stupid. I knew what a good guy was, at least I had my definition of it at my age, and the one who wasn't there for his kids was not it.
No excuses make up for just not showing up. Or even sending a card.
I give up.
I decided my son has the right to choose. I will never bad mouth any father in front of him.
I haven't ever tried to make him dislike someone, and I won't be starting with Adrian.
I believe my son to be intelligent enough to decide whom he likes& dislikes& why.
I will not brush off his feelings, nor attempt to defend, not again.

Honestly, I'm sure it hurts me more than him right now.
He has a family he adores, and a Daddy he thinks rules the world... and anyone who knows him knows that no one makes up his mind for him. He's not easily swayed towards or away from one thing or another. He already makes up his own mind, and I can't, and would not even if I could, take that right away from him.

Most days I would rather choose silence than attempt to justify myself, or explain to people who are obviously not seeing the whole picture, why things are the way they are. Most days I don't let it get to me that I am responsible and no matter how I hate it, it's my job as Mom to tell my son as much truth as he wishes to know. Most days.

Sometimes, for a moment at a time, for those moments when Caleb wants to know why, where& how... in those moments I wish you knew. I wish everyone saw the whole thing, I wish it was played on a movie screen so that I could see what I should be doing next, and so that there could be no lies. He couldn't accuse, I couldn't justify& no one could blame. 

I'll get over it. I'll have no choice apparently.
The man who was supposed to be Dad has traded truth for some story even he can't possibly believe.
He's taken to throwing things in my face that never even happened.
Interchanging stories of women in his life, so that truth isn't even an option.
Maybe it's his alcohol addiction. Maybe it's his way of coping.
Whatever it is... I want no part of it.

I will keep figuring out the best way to handle things, and in the mean time people can speculate and hold onto their ideas of what is right... I'm not concerned with right, I'm doing what works for us.

Another side, not Mom.

Sometimes I write things.
.
.
.
.
Just like that the walls can crumble
Snap your fingers, hear them fall
Turn your back and listen close...
They'll sound as if they're mocking you

Flash freeze, enjoy the breeze
The calm before the storm
Lay me down inside my tomb
Leave me there alive
For life is full of empty threats
And unexpected blows

Here it's always quiet
Never a noise I don't approve
For lack of better knowledge
I close my eyes and smile
Please think of me as I wish to be...
Your friend,
The happy daughter.

I have everything.

It's funny how fast life changes...

One minute I'm falling very purposefully in love, my boo is saying the word, "Daddy", for the first time in his life, we're traveling through Germany, Poland& Austria... talking about forever, counting down the months& days until we're all together again....

Now here we are... house hunting, you teaching our boys how to be the kind of men they can be proud to be, both of us spending our days holding hands and holding onto each moment with our beautiful children while we walk through each and every day's new adventures and trials alike. Together. Forever is happening now. We always said forever started from day one, and yet we had to wait for so much... and it was worth it baby.

I wouldn't trade what we have now for the world.
You drive me crazy, make me smile, drive me wild, keep me laughing, bring me back to solid ground, challenge me, protect me when things get to be too much, and remind me of the strength we have in what we're creating together. I can't imagine wanting anything more. And yet I can't stop dreaming of all the possibilities the future could hold for us.

Looking back is so good for me to do sometimes, it's a great reminder when I start to get overwhelmed or lost in the hustle of our day to day lives, that we've earned everything that we have and are, and that we're exactly where we want to be right now.  We have come so far...  held on, forgiven, hoped, believed, broken down, searched, found, built... chosen.
We started with a choice and every day it's making that choice all over again that makes us even better than the day before. I look forward to every day of my life with you and our beautiful children, and to every adventure our lives are sure to still hold. I love waking up next to you while our boys invade our bed, and someday when they're grown and gone I'll still love waking up next to my favorite man on earth.

I love you madly.

Blue eyed boys& other true stories.

I'll never forget the feelings that overcame me that evening, in the run-down 3-bedroom apartment in Fort Smith AR, that I shared with 2 friends, sitting in my bathroom staring at a stick with the first 2 pink lines I'd ever seen, and they scared me to death, I knew my life would never be the same.
I shared my news with the boy who was half-way responsible for this outcome, called my sister to fall apart, and then called my Mom to find comfort, guidance and wisdom on what to do next. I'd never considered an abortion in my life, but I would be lying to say the thought didn't cross my mind, and in that same split second I knew as scared as I was I could never give my child up for anything. I was frightened. I was barely past being a child myself... hardly prepared to raise a child, and certainly not set up for it in my current situation. Not to mention I was getting more sick by the day.... each morning was a little harder to hold things down, and much more difficult to force myself to leave for work while feeling like my entire body was rejecting this new... adventure.

I quickly realized in order to give my child the best life possible and start to work on figuring out what it was I wanted and needed now that everything was changing, I would have to leave the life I was living and going where I would have help, support, and encouragement as I faced the fact that at barely 19 years old, it was time to start living for someone else. So I did.
I quit the job I'd been too sick to be much good at lately, I packed what fit back into my car, emptied my savings for travel money, and in the company of a dear friend I travelled the 1,665 miles back to Boise, ID, to the family who awaited me with open arms.

I had always been the girl who knew exactly what she was doing. Suddenly I was questioning everything, and trusting fewer than ever before. My world would never be the same. Everything I did was what I felt was the best at the time, what worked for me and seemed the best option for my mini.
It may not all have been right according to some, but it was the best I could do at 19 years old.

There are a million things that happened, from the moment those lines showed up, until now, 5 years later with a 4 1/2 year old little boy.
"They" say there are 2-sides to every story. And it's true. Sadly though the truth remains that at some point, "now" is all that matters. Sometimes the details are less important than the big picture. And in certain situations it's not so much about what someone else has done, but what I have done.

I hear the other side of my story... of my son's story... I've questioned myself, searched my heart for things I had forgotten, and come back to the same conclusions. There is nothing I could have done differently without betraying myself or my son at the time. I did my best. It may not be what I'd do now, but certain people might be grateful, 'cause now I'm wiser, and less likely to be walked on.
Yes, I hear the other side, and I can't decide whether to laugh or cry, or both! Because for all the things that can be said.... I was here. I lived it. I don't need a victim role anymore, I don't need to tell a sob story or justify the actions and decisions of a 19 yr old single Mom. I am a powerful woman, and I don't give my power away to anyone. My son is happy, healthy, intelligent, learning& growing every day knowing he is loved, special, incredible, and Mommy's darling. He loves his life, he loves his family, and he's learning what family is all about.

This new season saddens and scares me. He's smart, and he has things figured out more than I think I did at 4 years old. It scares me that I might answer wrong... I don't want to taint his views, I don't want to be dishonest, I also can't tell him things beyond his years, I still have to protect him.
He's always known his Daddy came later in life... now he asks about who was there before, or why they weren't.
I know there are things my Mom could have handled better, and I also know that I was always thankful that she bothered to talk to us about it the way she did, pain and all. My story is different, the outcome so far is the same... a child left with poor excuses for why someone wasn't there, a Mom& Dad left trying to make it as painless& simple as possible.
I'm so thankful for a wonderful husband, who handles things gently and assures his son every chance he gets that he is HIS, and he is loved. I'm thankful for a man who more than fills the gap.... who is more of a Dad than I ever would have imagined my children would have.
I'm thankful that my eldest son adores his Daddy, and no matter what else he doesn't understand, he knows that his Daddy loves him, and he is so adorably proud to be his son. He's the best big brother in the world, and he knows his place in our family, and claims it with all the pride a 4 year old should have.

I'm nervous, and I hate that I'm facing a situation I always hoped to avoid. I'm sad that a once very dear friend could so easily convince even himself of things he must know as well as I do, are far from the truth. It makes me sick that anyone can walk away and leave a child for any reason, never sending so much as a birthday gift, or even accepting the offer to talk to them, anything, to let them know they're there, whatever, whenever, however, they can be...
And I'm thankful. That no matter what, my son has a wonderful, loving family who will never leave him feeling vulnerable.

I have no apologies to make. I've already made the only apology I owed, to my son, that I had to complicate his life a little at such a young age with such a confusing situation, and that it couldn't have been explained earlier. And with that I promised to answer his questions the best I can, to always tell the truth, and to never let anything happen that he isn't ok with... he replied with, "I know. I love you Mommy.", and that's all I needed to know.

I'm still doing the best that I can for the boy I've loved more than life itself since the moment he was conceived.

So go ahead, tell your stories, convince yourself of whatever makes you feel better... you weren't here. You made and are making your decisions and I'm making mine. You never showed up or put forth any kind of effort to attempt to be anything different than you are now. A stranger. A name. A figure in a boys head, an idea of something he's not quite got figured out yet. I leave the victim role to you....

... I don't have time. I have a boy here begging me to play ninjas. :)

... and she lived happily ever after.

Ahh... downtown. Nightlife. People everywhere. Dancing. Drinking. Hanging out with friends. A few of my favorite things! I love having a night out now and then to just be a woman, dressing up, flirting with my husband like the newlyweds we still are, playing a game of pool or shuffleboard, jumping from place to place seeing where feels right for the evening, running into people I know, some I've known forever and hardly see, others I've known only a little but still enjoy seeing, grabbing a drink here and there, letting go of any stress and just playing. All of those things are fun to me.

And then there's the fact that I am a Mother. A wife. A different woman. Or not, maybe just... the same woman, better at being me. :)
No matter how much fun I'm having, or how much I enjoy my freedom from home, housework and children... I have to check in where my kids are a few times so that I can enjoy myself fully while away. I plan for the next day and how much sleep I'll need, or rest time I'll have to recover while not neglecting my babies... I think different. I act different.
I love my friends, I've always been a, "huggie", "friendly", "social butterfly", type... I always will be. Now though, I hang on my husband, because he's my favorite person to be with. I watch how I act, because I don't want to misrepresent who I am by how I act like I've done in the past. I don't pretend to be best friends with people whom I hardly consider true friends. I love people, without faking it. I watch people, and wonder what their lives are like OUTSIDE this environment. I see plastics and I wonder, do they ever get tired of working so hard to feel pretty or handsome? Or realize they look just like half of the others wandering around acting mindless? I get crazy in a fun way, but never go crazy or forget myself. I enjoy myself, without regrets. Because my children mean the world to me and I have an example to set, and habits to form of the example I want to set. Because I love my husband and I don't care if it's cheesy or cliche', he is my favorite person, and the only one who's feelings about my actions and appearance truly matter to me. Because I have figured out just who I am, and I never want to forget again, or be "that girl", again.

It makes me proud that in a hard, horrible moment, one I dreaded for over a year, one I was not quite ready for... though shaken, I didn't lose myself. I was able to regain footing, find my center, take back my power again from one I'd given it to for far too long before, and go on with my life with the help of those who love me. Faced with it again I've no doubt it will be a process to be repeated, possibly several times in the future, but I came out on top one night. I managed to succeed in taking my power back one more time, and my night was still fantastic! And that's good enough for me. For now. :)

Yes, I don't think I will ever really outgrow my nights out. And I love that those nights have changed so drastically from what they looked like at 18, or 21.
I love who I am.
I love the life that I lead and the reasons that I have to be a better woman.
I love that I have found the strength to be that woman, and the joy in that.
I love being happy with myself, and watching myself learn, and allowing myself to learn.
I love that I have let go of relationships that were hindering that growth, and that I've found out that some friends, were real friends, there no matter what.
I love that my husband adores me so, goes out of his way to be there for me while I learn, and to learn and grow with me as we both adjust our lives to create a family and relationship that's so worthwhile to us.
I love that I have best friends to walk with me through some of the tough times, to hold my hand or wrap their arms around me and remind me of the powerful woman that I am, and to help create a safety zone, where I can just be me, and the world can't get in for a moment.
I love my life. I know I keep saying that... I'm seeing a theme. :) I am certain the storms in my life are not over. I am positive I will have more days of doubt and fear and uncertainty ahead... and I am so thankful that these moments of peace, clarity, and growth are preparing me for whatever life has for me next.

No really. I love my life. :)

Real Life.

Sick children make me want to do nothing but sit and cuddle with them all day. Unfortunately the laundry doesn't wash itself, the kitchen must be kept up a little, and dinner will be needed eventually. Oh and I should probably shower so my husband will continue to sleep next to me at night. lol. *sigh* I think chicken noodle soup would be the perfect cure for my recovering babies, and the easiest option for me today since I can put it on the stove now and leave it to simmer all day.
It seems a worn down immune system can lead to allergies taking over a 4 year olds body so he's whiney, bored, tired, and feeling crappy. And teething can make a baby who's usually happy to play on his own, want to be held, fed and put to sleep all day. Oh and a husband who works 10 hours a day and can't find clean socks in the morning practically begs for laundry to get done. lol. All Mommy wants is a mani/pedi, eyebrow wax, tanning session, a good cup of coffee and a book in a quiet day that's all mine. Haha! That won't be happening for a little while yet... gotta get these babies well first!!

I've recently come across the path of old friends again... it's funny how in finding out where they've been and what they've been up to and where they are now in life, it causes me to reflect back on where I've been, what I've been doing, and most importantly where I am now.
I'm so thankful for my messy home, my dirty kitchen full of food, my children who want all of my attention  all of the time, my husband and partner who both keeps me sane and drives me nuts, and most of all that I am a woman with a million reasons to be happy, and who truly loves and appreciates her life and the people in it.

Someone spoke recently of finding adventure in life. Of living every day to the fullest, unafraid of taking risks and trying new things... learning what life is all about. I remember a time in my life when I wanted nothing more... a time when I was always looking for the next big adventure, the next thrill that would make me feel more alive than ever. Now? Now I find that adventure in every single ordinary day. My life is so full it's overflowing most of the time. I live every day to the fullest, some days by hanging out with sick kids watching silly tv shows talking about all the wonderful things kids find to discuss... and some days it's dealing with the newest unexpected thing that life has thrown my way, or reaching out to the latest person put in my path who needs a friend, or a hand, or just a kind word. I no longer wonder when I'll feel that -more alive than ever- feeling again... I feel it every single day.
When I put my kids down for naps and I sit down and look around and realize I've never in my life been happier.
When I'm playing on a swing with a baby in my lap and a little boy running around on the playground and I realize my whole world is right there in front of me.
When I'm crawling into bed exhausted and my husband puts his arms around me and while we fall asleep together I realize I've found everything I ever hoped to have in love& marriage, and it's getting better every day.
When my sons wake me up in the early morning and as I pull them into bed with me to start my day by holding them both, and I feel my tiniest one kicking away inside me, and I realize that I have more than I ever could deserve, that if I had to choose, this is what I would want.
All of this. The good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. It all makes up a life that I have learned to adore, that I thrive on.  My quiet days with my little family, my crazy days with the whole extended family, all of it. It's all more amazing than I ever dared hope.

"This is your life... are you who you want to be?"

A friend introduced me in a round-a-bout way to a song that I have fallen in love with... these beautiful words are from it....

"I know someday this all will be over

And it's hard to say what most I will miss

Just give me one way to spend my last moments alive

And I'll choose this, I'll choose this, I'll choose this!"

What better way to live? :)

xoxo

I'm sorry, what's your name again??

Uneducated judgement shared, is in my opinion one of the cruelest things we humans can do to each other.
And most judgement is just that... from an uneducated source.

We take one thing someone has said and then we pick it apart, compare it to our own experiences, (which most often are NOT as close to the persons we are comparing it with as we'd like to think), and then we pass judgements about how they think, act, feel, respond... and for what? Our own sense of self-righteousness?! Get a grip people. We are not God. Of course we all judge, it is a basic human right to assess a situation, the person involved, and acknowledge our judgements about said things. However, it is also our nature to be wrong. To base those judgements on past experience and not even realize we are allowing bitterness, prejudice, scars, and fears control how we react to someone. Seeing a large bald man causes me to instantly feel fear, not because he's done anything, but because past experience tells me that large bald men are not to be trusted... and should be avoided at all costs. And if I act on that always I may miss some beautiful connections in life. Of course there is the flip side, where it may save me more pain... but most of the time, my gut will tell me if someone is worth trusting or not based on a persons actions and behaviors around me, if I give them a chance to be within 10 feet for more than 10 seconds.

There are times I wish I could hand out a manual on me. Basic things I'd just like everyone who wishes to come in contact with me to know... so that if they really wish to judge me, they can. Fully educated. At least then I can see real colors instead of trying to pick through who's reacting to me out of their own fears, who is genuinely making a good point, and who is just a low life not worth keeping in my life.

Feel free to judge me all you like... when you look at my past go ahead - point out to me again all the many, hundreds of mistakes I made. And remember, I walked that path alone with my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, knowledge, lack of knowledge... my God, and most importantly my burning desire for something more than what I, or anyone else around me, had yet found. Or at least properly portrayed.
I didn't walk blindly away into something I didn't understand... and I wasn't, "led astray", as so many would like to believe.
  I jumped head first off a cliff, because it was do or die. I could have stayed where I was, "safe", but it didn't seem so safe anymore. I could have followed in the footsteps that led me down the same church hallways, up to the same alters every few months, to the same, "charity", events when I needed a little giving back time... I could have listened to the voices that told me to stop publicly questioning the beliefs they were so diligently pounding into the heads of other impressionable young minds, and to stop being curious about things outside of the, "safety", of my sheltered little world.
  I could have lost my heart in the bs daily routines and expected life that look so pretty to some on the outside, and make saying words like "fulfilling", and "peaceful", so common. And had I done all that I could have missed a lot of pain, a ton of heartache, a million hard lessons, and a countless amount of  pathetically uneducated sympathetic stares from the ones I at one point loved and trusted so much.

I also would have missed the beautiful feeling of a free-fall in young adult life... and even more beautiful the sometimes otherwise unappreciated feeling of solid ground that has since followed. I would have missed the lessons in true compassion, not tainted by unrealistic expectations or beliefs that people, "just didn't understand", but simple, straightforward genuine compassion for others, who perhaps were/are experiencing their trials, their free-fall, and the bruises and beauty that come with it.

  I might have lost faith. True faith. That people are stronger than we give them credit for, wiser than we'd like to think, more capable than we care to acknowledge, and more aware than we'd sometimes like. I might not have seen the beauty in a life that has been lived, tried, tested, torn apart, built back up... lived. I might not even have known the meaning of that word.

  I would have missed several dozen moonlit nights on rooftops, park playgrounds, grassy open areas, and hilltops, just staring into the endless abyss, screaming, yelling, fighting with myself, wrestling my angels & demons alike, passing thoughts around like a well-loved peace pipe, and figuring out piece by piece what MY LIFE was really all about. Who I was. What I was meant for. Why I was here, why I'd been there, what that meant to me, what it all was worth... and eventually, finding the truth in the center of it all, untouched by all the questions... unmoved by my doubt of it's existence, and unchanged by my shoving, twisting, bending, and prying. I might have never known all that truth&love can withstand. And what a tragedy if that were so! For in that I found a truth I could not ignore, nor would I ever want to! I found a strength that I can always pull from... seeded into my very heart. Untouchable by any but myself. And a love that can reach beyond any walls, and cast out any fear.... if I choose to use it and accept it.

 I know the pain caused by abandonment and abuse. I know the fear instilled by a loss of control in a terrible situation. I know the lasting effects of those fears and the mistakes being ruled by it can cause. I know that sometimes, no matter how many times you say no, some people just don't care. I know when trusting isn't worth the risk. And I know when it is. I know the incredible heartache caused when love just isn't enough. When forgiveness is a one way street. When it's time to say goodbye before you're ready, and it rips your heart wide open and leaves it for others to trample. I know the confusion, self-doubt, and self-blame that can flood in when someone chooses someone else over you. The incredible sinking feeling of realizing you were just passed over... and there's no use even crying anymore.

I've been called heartless, vile, cruel, for things I've said or done with perceived indifference. What no one knew or chose to see was the pain and/or experience that led to those decisions, words or actions. I make an attempt at not casting those same judgements on others... although I've done my share of it I am sure, and when I recognize it later I hate that I've done so.

  I've seen the dark side of things... and the brightest.  I've been further than even I wanted to travel at times, I've spent nights contemplating, crying, laughing and learning. And I've come through it all and created a beautiful life. Full of purpose, true peace, happiness, and plenty of room for even more lessons and growth.

  So judge me and whomever else you if you choose... just remember that regardless of your own life's journey, there is only so much we can ever understand of each others, so while we judge and believe we know, we typically come across sounding like uneducated, inconsiderate, cold hearted assholes.

Of course it's that's your thing... who am I to judge? ;p

We are family.

With another birthday coming up on Saturday, it seems as always I stop and look around me. This year I find myself happier than ever before... I have a husband who loves me and is faithful, patient, kind, and understanding... even when I'm not always.
I have 2 amazing boys who make my heart smile and my days full of adventure. I have another wonderful boy kicking around inside, reminding me that miracles happen every day. I am blessed to be able to make raising my children and taking care of my husband and our home, my purpose and joy.

And this morning I realized, yet again, that pain is not deterred by happiness.
I've been blessed with an incredible family. There are many of us, on all sides, from all different parts of the country, and the world... we have all led different lives. Loved very different people, experienced our own different defeats & victories, felt pain on very real levels for many different, (and all equally justified), reasons, travelled different places, seen different things, believed in different things, at different times, for our own different, (and again all equally justified), reasons. We are a family. We are individuals sent into this world for many different reasons, from many different Mothers, given very different Fathers/Father figures, placed in different smaller family units, all very important parts of creating who we have become today. We are different. And we are family.
  We have the same desires, the same hopes, the same dreams, the same needs, the same wants. And we are all different. We have each and every one experienced on some level, at some time... heartbreak, loss, defeat, rejection, depression, fear, anger, hurt... as well as joy, the climb, fulfillment, peace, love, happiness, faith & confidence. Yes... we have all, "been there". We have all cried. We have all laughed. We have all wanted. Given... taken.
  So why is it that we cannot see past some differences? Why do I judge so harshly another whom I have every reason to believe has had a journey different, but no less important or meaningful, than my own? Who am I to say that another persons life is not complete, or fulfilled? Or their belief not correct?

Religion: a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, 
esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, 
usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code
 governing the conduct of human affairs.

Could it be I've allowed such a basic human right to define my view of others in a skeptical, unfair, unkind and utterly senseless way? 

Considering the religious sect my own beliefs most closely resemble, it seems absurd, insane, and hypocritical to even THINK of judging one in that way. 

And I must ask, am I to be crucified by those I should feel most comfortable trusting, for hurting over that same judgement being passed on myself? For questioning those in positions of authority and searching and insisting that the truth be either proven or negotiable, and choosing to create and live by a set of beliefs that although similar to certain sects of religion, are also personalized and modified due to my unique views and ideas?

The pain I felt this morning as I looked around my life so-to-speak, was caused by the realization that another year has gone by, and parts of my family haven't noticed. The thought to push the issue, cause it to either be dealt with or explode until it's no longer an issue has crossed my mind. The option of going in and asking for a truce where both parties put down their weapons and choose to let things go and love like we were made to has been appealing... and the fear of rejection and more emotion than I handle possibly, have won out in the end. And here I am... happy, in love with life, and missing some... both dead & alive, whom I just know were meant to be here. There are people I always thought my kids would know. There are those I prayed they would. There are women whom I wanted to spoil my children and be there for me to call for input, and men I wanted to have a hand in the guidance of my sons. And they are not all present. Some of them are dead, moved on to the better places they believed in. And some are living their lives inside their safety zones where they've effectively shut out any and all who threaten their sense of self or question their chosen bs... *ahem*... belief system. 

Even a young girl who needed grace, forgiveness, freedom to be herself, and most importantly to be loved while allowed to grow and figure things outs. 

I am not the problem. I never was. I am not responsible for their feelings, beliefs or actions... they are. Just as I am responsible for mine. Why do we need someone to blame for how we feel? And why do I feel the need to believe someone must be wrong in order for me to be right?

Do we even know why we're fighting anymore?

What do you want to be right about? And why is it so hard for me to just let you be?

Or is it?

I have moved on to a life that is so full it's overflowing at times. A life of happiness, peace, contentment, joy and adventure. A life that I wish I could share with everyone that I love. I have many in my life, blood relatives, adopted family members, friends who might as well be family... MANY, whom I am blessed to know and have in my life and whom I am thankful for every day. Unfortunately the loss of many other loved ones is part of what makes my appreciation for those still around so great. 

Life has it's ups & downs. It is beautiful. Messy. Wonderful. Hard. Exciting. Disappointing. And always, always worth it in the end as long as we choose to make it so. 

I don't choose to dwell on the past and when it comes up like it did this morning I simply have learned to feel it, acknowledge it, identify the value, and go on with my day. Even though it hurts.

Fyi: I still love those who have gone. Even though they may never know or believe it. I will always be there fighting my own scars to believe they mean well. I am not capable of turning my back on anyone who would ask for help... and I am glad. And I will always tell my children of the good I knew in those people... because that is what I hope they will hold onto of me.

Train up a child...

Since the day I found out I was first going to become a Mother I started worrying... would I know what to do? Would I know how to give a kid enough in life to create a happy, healthy, independent, capable, loving, balanced teen and adult? I consider myself a fairly intelligent woman, but children scared me. As much experience as I had and as badly as I wanted them.

Well here I am 5 years later and I still have my doubts about my abilities. But I have wonderful children, and I've learned that things don't have to be as complicated as I make them seem sometimes. Some days putting all my housework aside and making tents in my living room around piles of laundry and toys that seem to be coming from a toy volcano hidden somewhere I can't seem to find... is just what we need. Some days I call my mother and ask for help dealing with hyper children who seem to want nothing more than to make Mommy break down completely and end up in a crying heap on the floor. And sometimes, every once in a great while, my children are well behaved, they nap on time, my house stays clean and I have dinner on at 5. lol. (I love those days!!! I try to have company so someone can witness it or I swear they'd never believe it!!) Yes... I have my days... both good and bad. But this I've learned... my family is ALWAYS worth every minute. It's ok to need help and/or advice. It's good to have other parents to talk to and get ideas from. And when I am faithful in training my children with the techniques I've learned over years of raising siblings, cousins, and my own kids... I am a happier Mama, with happier children, and a much more peaceful home! No matter what the day. :)

I have much to learn. And I've seen more than most my age... I have a few favorite tricks... I thought I'd share a couple. :)

I am a member on the Love& Logic page on Facebook. I find so many wonderful ideas for parenting there!!! Another member recently asked about ideas for getting children to start doing chores... I shared how it's done so far in my house. :)

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I created a chore list for my 4yr old son of basic things I need help with around the house on a daily/weekly basis... I use a sticker system to mark when they're done 'cause he likes SEEING his accomplishments. At the end of a week where chores were finished he gets his allowance... every chore has a price so any not done get deducted but I lay it out and explain to him what is being deducted and why. Since he loves to shop with me but I expect him to buy most things that are wants and not needs... He's suddenly ALWAYS ready when chore time comes around! This has also helped me not have to say NO so much. I simply ask, "do you have the money for it?", if not he knows, (or I remind him), it's his problem, not mine. :) I encourage him to save for things that are more expensive, and sometimes if he's been extra helpful I offer to chip in for part of what he wants, rewards with responsibility. :)

Also as far as contributions/chores that he doesn't get paid for, I ask for help with them when the time comes (he's still young enough I don't expect him to remember all the time), and if it doesn't get done by the time I need it done, then I simply do it myself without a word and then later cut one of his pleasures... tv/bike/amma's house etc... I use the "Mommy had more to do today since you didn't want to help out so unfortunately..." and then I finish with whatever I will need him to do instead of his fun time... helping with dinner since he didn't help with anything else, babysitting his brother so I can do other things, or even just sitting in his room quietly so I can have quiet time to relax after my "hard day of work". :) Works like a charm! :)

I think as parents it is so easy to get stuck in a box and what I love about the approaches here are that they begin to create little people who are responsible for their own actions. I'm creating an opportunity for my children to create peace and happiness for themselves in our home and family, and they're learning the difference in the consequences of the choices they make. It takes a lot of stress of off me when I don't spend my time chasing my child, begging for help, repeating myself a million times, and worrying about how to make him eat the meal he is complaining about. I choose what I am going to do, make sure he is aware of my decision, and then I leave it up to him how he chooses to respond. :)

When Caleb came to the dinner table last night the first words out of his mouth were "eww... disgusting"... he hadn't even tasted it!! I smiled and said, "Son, in our home we don't speak that way about the food we prepare for each other. You are more than welcome to get down and wait until tomorrow to see if the food I make then looks better to you, or you can choose to speak kindly and eat dinner with us. It's up to you!" - He ate dinner. He's gone hungry before, he's not really a fan and he has no doubts Mama means business. And I didn't have to fight with my son about meal time!!! Now I will say on the nights he chose to not eat, bed time made ME want to cry! He begged and pleaded and begged some more for something.... I gave him water and sometimes a bit of milk, and sent him into bed, explaining very kindly that he had chosen and it was sad he regretted his choice now and I hoped the next day he'd make better decisions. It was worth it for a child who knows now that's not a choice he wants to repeat.

Yesterday we had a busy day, I had a lot to catch up on around the house and for the most part Caleb did an awesome job of helping out in any way he could, with both his regular chores and then other things I asked for help with. Well afternoon hit, I was exhausted and wanted to rest before working on dinner etc... and the 4 yr old still had PLENTY of energy!! (Go figure!) The boredom broke out and he started doing his famous, "Mommy can I.../Mommy want to.../Mommy I'm bored.../Mommy mommy....", ahh! After a discussion with my own Mother I decided to try things her way. The next time he jumped in my face with a repeat of a question I'd already answered 12 times... I said, "Son, are you bored? Do you need something to do?", he got excited and said yes... I handed him a rag and cleaning product and set him to work cleaning up walls and doors with dirty fingerprints and other junk all over them. :) He was busy for awhile before he brought them back, said he had finished and was going outside. Weird.. he didn't get "bored" again all night!! ;p

I am constantly learning new ways, sometimes time-out is enough. Sometimes a small spanking seems appropriate. But I love not having to use those. I prefer teaching and training over discipline. I love the peace I have the power to create in my home with these methods.

Every one of us must do what works for us, but I would suggest that if your children are stressing you out more often than not. If you're not catching a break, and feeling peaceful and rested in your own home, WITH your children. If you dread meal time, bed time, or any other time because of how your kids react... then it's probably not working so well... and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results... so why not change things? Try something new. It can't hurt. :)

Remember that all of us who are parents have our bad days, all of us have our moments. But our children should be our JOY. And not just 'cause they're our kids... but because they're learning and growing from/with us every day.

Good luck... may your children be your greatest adventure, your greatest success, and the best times of your life. :)

A day in the life....

I made chicken & dumplings in my crock pot today.

I was VERY excited since the recipe made my mouth water... but I couldn't honestly remember having had it before so I wasn't entirely sure what it was supposed to look/taste like, which always makes for an interesting cooking adventure!!

In the end I realized, yet again, I should have followed my gut and made my drop biscuits the way I normally do (I'll have to share that recipe someday 'cause it's pretty much AMAZING and takes minutes....), and then served the soup over them. Instead I did as the recipe said and dropped them in for the last hour... they are doughy and gross. Although my husband is still eating them. lol. Poor guy gets stuck eating a lot of my experiments... what a good man. But I picked through and ate the soup without them.

The soup part however was wonderful!!! I started it around 8am. I have a 3 1/2 quart crock pot and I modified the recipe so it was the following:

2 large frozen chicken breasts

2 cans (about 10 oz each), cream of chicken soup

1/2 of a large white onion

salt (I guessed at the amount, maybe a tablespoon??)

a touch of ground pepper

2 cups (heaping) of frozen mixed veggies

I placed everything in and covered it about 2/3 of the way with chicken broth, and the last bit with water, cooked it on high for 3 hours, turned it to low for the rest of the day... about 4pm I pulled the chicken breasts out and shredded them which was very simple considering they'd been cooking all day. After I put the chicken all back in I turned it on high again for about an hour.

I'm purposefully leaving out the part about putting biscuits in 'cause that part didn't turn out so well. lol. Also next time I'll probably do just a little less water/chicken broth. It was VERY near perfect though... and I now know how to make it so it'll be easy next time. :)

I also finally made sugar cookies like I've been promising my oldest son for a week now. We used our new cookie press, (Mommy's $1 garage sale find, brand new!), and he's thrilled to have little shaped cookies. And I'm thrilled they're made with organic sugar. lol.

At this point I think I'm sounding like super-mom or something... yeah. Not so much!! Since I spent most of the day cooking, baking, and attempting to watch "Did You Hear About the Morgans?", (which took 5 hours thanks to constant interruptions!), I didn't clean my house or take care of myself so well. There are toys around my living room, laundry in a pile by my washing machine just begging to be put in, my oldest spent half the day asking me a million questions til I thought my head would explode, my baby napped shorter than usual, I didn't eat nearly enough for the baby still inside me, I still haven't showered, and my kitchen looks like... well, like I spent most of the day cooking and baking and not cleaning it. :) And I'm supposed to now get my kids in bed and be ready for a date night with my husband. Haha!! I love it!! I really do. :) I should have my own reality show... I bet my life would look far more entertaining on television. Ever feel like you run in circles all day and at the end wonder if you actually accomplished ANYTHING? Good. Me too.

Earlier I mentioned I should have listened to my gut... I say that a lot. My Mom and I spent a good long phone conversation the other morning discussing just that. I'd sure save myself a heck of a lot of trouble if I'd do that more often. It's such a habit to 2nd guess myself that I often don't notice how many times a day I blow myself off. Not good. I am making it a personal resolution to start working on that... I figure if I start now that sometime in the next 5 years I might actually make progress and then who knows, at some point in my life I may listen to my gut again and not have learn something the hard way!! ;-p

I was very proud of my son Caleb today... he fell off his bike, scrapped up his elbow and stomach, and when I went out to help him up and get him inside to clean his wounds he insisted on getting back on the bike and told me he'd come in later to get cleaned. :) His Daddy taught him well... although it broke my heart to not be needed, I've never been so proud as I was watching him pick himself up and climb back on that bike! Way to go son!!

Well, children's bedtime has come, and I really should shower and get pretty for my date tonight, so until next time....

:)

Starting again... (because I got distracted last time!)

I've come to realize lately that my life is quite interesting. :)

I am married to a wonderful, loving, helpful, supportive, intelligent, often misunderstood but always incredibly faithful and understanding man.

I have a 4 year old who's life from day one was bound to bring him both joy and sorrow as he grows older and begins to put together the pieces of his history. He is blessed to have a Daddy who calls him his own, and loves him the same... but the truth remains that someday he will know all the things he isn't old enough to understand just yet, and he must choose how to handle them.

I have a 6 month old who was the final piece of connecting a family, and the perfect fix for a broken heart after losing a little one in an early miscarriage just months before his conception... he is my "angel baby", he brings laughter into our home every day. And who's world is sure to be shaken a little when he has to share Mommy in about 5 months. :)

I'm 4 months pregnant with our 3rd little boy. Daddy couldn't be more proud that his, "starting 5", is well under way... I am thrilled to have another dear son in my home, and big brother is rather excited to have someone else to boss and tote around every day.

I have things to say. And I plan on saying them.

I want to talk about my home, my dreams, my adventures, my fears, my battles, failures & victories, discoveries and days, both boring & exciting as a young Mom & Wife.

I like cooking things from scratch. I've recently discovered crock pot cooking... the pregnant, tired mothers savior!! I'm excited to see what recipes I can come up with for my family. :)

Maybe I'll share those too...

I know I will be making more applesauce and jam for canning this summer, last year was not only successful but also helpful in the months after...

I've become rather addicted to garage sales. I find treasures that I can turn into useful items around my home. Although the more I collect the more I want to OWN a home to fill, decorate and do with what I please... I am hoping this will become a reality not too terribly far down the road for us.

My recent dinner ideas:

1.) Left over pot roast thrown into the crock pot with BBQ sauce, a touch of worchestershire sauce, and some fresh, finely chopped onion... shredded after several hours of cooking and then returned to cook awhile longer, served over bread (or in my case, hamburger buns), is a FANTASTICLY EASY MEAL!!

2.) Chicken & Rice, with cream of chicken soup, powdered onion, salt, pepper, and frozen veggies makes for a quick and easy last minute dinner. Needs about an hour for cooking either in the oven or on the stovetop, but even my 4yr old liked it. :)

I'm off to nurse a tummy ache and enjoy the quiet with my husband while the children sleep. Until next time...