Train up a child...

Since the day I found out I was first going to become a Mother I started worrying... would I know what to do? Would I know how to give a kid enough in life to create a happy, healthy, independent, capable, loving, balanced teen and adult? I consider myself a fairly intelligent woman, but children scared me. As much experience as I had and as badly as I wanted them.

Well here I am 5 years later and I still have my doubts about my abilities. But I have wonderful children, and I've learned that things don't have to be as complicated as I make them seem sometimes. Some days putting all my housework aside and making tents in my living room around piles of laundry and toys that seem to be coming from a toy volcano hidden somewhere I can't seem to find... is just what we need. Some days I call my mother and ask for help dealing with hyper children who seem to want nothing more than to make Mommy break down completely and end up in a crying heap on the floor. And sometimes, every once in a great while, my children are well behaved, they nap on time, my house stays clean and I have dinner on at 5. lol. (I love those days!!! I try to have company so someone can witness it or I swear they'd never believe it!!) Yes... I have my days... both good and bad. But this I've learned... my family is ALWAYS worth every minute. It's ok to need help and/or advice. It's good to have other parents to talk to and get ideas from. And when I am faithful in training my children with the techniques I've learned over years of raising siblings, cousins, and my own kids... I am a happier Mama, with happier children, and a much more peaceful home! No matter what the day. :)

I have much to learn. And I've seen more than most my age... I have a few favorite tricks... I thought I'd share a couple. :)

I am a member on the Love& Logic page on Facebook. I find so many wonderful ideas for parenting there!!! Another member recently asked about ideas for getting children to start doing chores... I shared how it's done so far in my house. :)

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I created a chore list for my 4yr old son of basic things I need help with around the house on a daily/weekly basis... I use a sticker system to mark when they're done 'cause he likes SEEING his accomplishments. At the end of a week where chores were finished he gets his allowance... every chore has a price so any not done get deducted but I lay it out and explain to him what is being deducted and why. Since he loves to shop with me but I expect him to buy most things that are wants and not needs... He's suddenly ALWAYS ready when chore time comes around! This has also helped me not have to say NO so much. I simply ask, "do you have the money for it?", if not he knows, (or I remind him), it's his problem, not mine. :) I encourage him to save for things that are more expensive, and sometimes if he's been extra helpful I offer to chip in for part of what he wants, rewards with responsibility. :)

Also as far as contributions/chores that he doesn't get paid for, I ask for help with them when the time comes (he's still young enough I don't expect him to remember all the time), and if it doesn't get done by the time I need it done, then I simply do it myself without a word and then later cut one of his pleasures... tv/bike/amma's house etc... I use the "Mommy had more to do today since you didn't want to help out so unfortunately..." and then I finish with whatever I will need him to do instead of his fun time... helping with dinner since he didn't help with anything else, babysitting his brother so I can do other things, or even just sitting in his room quietly so I can have quiet time to relax after my "hard day of work". :) Works like a charm! :)

I think as parents it is so easy to get stuck in a box and what I love about the approaches here are that they begin to create little people who are responsible for their own actions. I'm creating an opportunity for my children to create peace and happiness for themselves in our home and family, and they're learning the difference in the consequences of the choices they make. It takes a lot of stress of off me when I don't spend my time chasing my child, begging for help, repeating myself a million times, and worrying about how to make him eat the meal he is complaining about. I choose what I am going to do, make sure he is aware of my decision, and then I leave it up to him how he chooses to respond. :)

When Caleb came to the dinner table last night the first words out of his mouth were "eww... disgusting"... he hadn't even tasted it!! I smiled and said, "Son, in our home we don't speak that way about the food we prepare for each other. You are more than welcome to get down and wait until tomorrow to see if the food I make then looks better to you, or you can choose to speak kindly and eat dinner with us. It's up to you!" - He ate dinner. He's gone hungry before, he's not really a fan and he has no doubts Mama means business. And I didn't have to fight with my son about meal time!!! Now I will say on the nights he chose to not eat, bed time made ME want to cry! He begged and pleaded and begged some more for something.... I gave him water and sometimes a bit of milk, and sent him into bed, explaining very kindly that he had chosen and it was sad he regretted his choice now and I hoped the next day he'd make better decisions. It was worth it for a child who knows now that's not a choice he wants to repeat.

Yesterday we had a busy day, I had a lot to catch up on around the house and for the most part Caleb did an awesome job of helping out in any way he could, with both his regular chores and then other things I asked for help with. Well afternoon hit, I was exhausted and wanted to rest before working on dinner etc... and the 4 yr old still had PLENTY of energy!! (Go figure!) The boredom broke out and he started doing his famous, "Mommy can I.../Mommy want to.../Mommy I'm bored.../Mommy mommy....", ahh! After a discussion with my own Mother I decided to try things her way. The next time he jumped in my face with a repeat of a question I'd already answered 12 times... I said, "Son, are you bored? Do you need something to do?", he got excited and said yes... I handed him a rag and cleaning product and set him to work cleaning up walls and doors with dirty fingerprints and other junk all over them. :) He was busy for awhile before he brought them back, said he had finished and was going outside. Weird.. he didn't get "bored" again all night!! ;p

I am constantly learning new ways, sometimes time-out is enough. Sometimes a small spanking seems appropriate. But I love not having to use those. I prefer teaching and training over discipline. I love the peace I have the power to create in my home with these methods.

Every one of us must do what works for us, but I would suggest that if your children are stressing you out more often than not. If you're not catching a break, and feeling peaceful and rested in your own home, WITH your children. If you dread meal time, bed time, or any other time because of how your kids react... then it's probably not working so well... and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results... so why not change things? Try something new. It can't hurt. :)

Remember that all of us who are parents have our bad days, all of us have our moments. But our children should be our JOY. And not just 'cause they're our kids... but because they're learning and growing from/with us every day.

Good luck... may your children be your greatest adventure, your greatest success, and the best times of your life. :)