I have 2 amazing boys who make my heart smile and my days full of adventure. I have another wonderful boy kicking around inside, reminding me that miracles happen every day. I am blessed to be able to make raising my children and taking care of my husband and our home, my purpose and joy.
And this morning I realized, yet again, that pain is not deterred by happiness.
I've been blessed with an incredible family. There are many of us, on all sides, from all different parts of the country, and the world... we have all led different lives. Loved very different people, experienced our own different defeats & victories, felt pain on very real levels for many different, (and all equally justified), reasons, travelled different places, seen different things, believed in different things, at different times, for our own different, (and again all equally justified), reasons. We are a family. We are individuals sent into this world for many different reasons, from many different Mothers, given very different Fathers/Father figures, placed in different smaller family units, all very important parts of creating who we have become today. We are different. And we are family.
We have the same desires, the same hopes, the same dreams, the same needs, the same wants. And we are all different. We have each and every one experienced on some level, at some time... heartbreak, loss, defeat, rejection, depression, fear, anger, hurt... as well as joy, the climb, fulfillment, peace, love, happiness, faith & confidence. Yes... we have all, "been there". We have all cried. We have all laughed. We have all wanted. Given... taken.
So why is it that we cannot see past some differences? Why do I judge so harshly another whom I have every reason to believe has had a journey different, but no less important or meaningful, than my own? Who am I to say that another persons life is not complete, or fulfilled? Or their belief not correct?
Religion: a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe,
esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies,
usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code
governing the conduct of human affairs.
Could it be I've allowed such a basic human right to define my view of others in a skeptical, unfair, unkind and utterly senseless way?
Considering the religious sect my own beliefs most closely resemble, it seems absurd, insane, and hypocritical to even THINK of judging one in that way.
And I must ask, am I to be crucified by those I should feel most comfortable trusting, for hurting over that same judgement being passed on myself? For questioning those in positions of authority and searching and insisting that the truth be either proven or negotiable, and choosing to create and live by a set of beliefs that although similar to certain sects of religion, are also personalized and modified due to my unique views and ideas?
The pain I felt this morning as I looked around my life so-to-speak, was caused by the realization that another year has gone by, and parts of my family haven't noticed. The thought to push the issue, cause it to either be dealt with or explode until it's no longer an issue has crossed my mind. The option of going in and asking for a truce where both parties put down their weapons and choose to let things go and love like we were made to has been appealing... and the fear of rejection and more emotion than I handle possibly, have won out in the end. And here I am... happy, in love with life, and missing some... both dead & alive, whom I just know were meant to be here. There are people I always thought my kids would know. There are those I prayed they would. There are women whom I wanted to spoil my children and be there for me to call for input, and men I wanted to have a hand in the guidance of my sons. And they are not all present. Some of them are dead, moved on to the better places they believed in. And some are living their lives inside their safety zones where they've effectively shut out any and all who threaten their sense of self or question their chosen bs... *ahem*... belief system.
Even a young girl who needed grace, forgiveness, freedom to be herself, and most importantly to be loved while allowed to grow and figure things outs.
I am not the problem. I never was. I am not responsible for their feelings, beliefs or actions... they are. Just as I am responsible for mine. Why do we need someone to blame for how we feel? And why do I feel the need to believe someone must be wrong in order for me to be right?
Do we even know why we're fighting anymore?
What do you want to be right about? And why is it so hard for me to just let you be?
Or is it?
I have moved on to a life that is so full it's overflowing at times. A life of happiness, peace, contentment, joy and adventure. A life that I wish I could share with everyone that I love. I have many in my life, blood relatives, adopted family members, friends who might as well be family... MANY, whom I am blessed to know and have in my life and whom I am thankful for every day. Unfortunately the loss of many other loved ones is part of what makes my appreciation for those still around so great.
Life has it's ups & downs. It is beautiful. Messy. Wonderful. Hard. Exciting. Disappointing. And always, always worth it in the end as long as we choose to make it so.
I don't choose to dwell on the past and when it comes up like it did this morning I simply have learned to feel it, acknowledge it, identify the value, and go on with my day. Even though it hurts.
Fyi: I still love those who have gone. Even though they may never know or believe it. I will always be there fighting my own scars to believe they mean well. I am not capable of turning my back on anyone who would ask for help... and I am glad. And I will always tell my children of the good I knew in those people... because that is what I hope they will hold onto of me.
Yep pretty sure I'm crying right now. :( I love all of you guys-I will continue to pray for a peaceful reunion someday...
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