For my Boo.

My dear Caleb,

  It has been 7 years today since the first time I laid eyes on you. It's hard to imagine my life before I was your Mom... It feels so empty just to think about. Sure, I enjoyed aspects of it, but I wouldn't ever go back. You my son, have changed my world every single day since the first day I held you, & really before that even. You make me laugh with your silly antics, even when you don't realize it, your brothers adoration of you is a testament to your kindness & fun-loving ways. They look up to you, and I am thankful every day that you are their big brother. I don't believe there could be a better brother to look to. 

I am more proud of you every single day. It's such an honor to be your Mom. I can't tell you how I feel when I hear you defending friends from bullies, or talking your brothers through a fight... teaching people to love, forgive, get along & accept... just as you yourself do daily for everyone around you. You're such an amazing young man. The past couple of months have been hard, and I couldn't have done it without you. From helping with chores, to helping with brothers, to holding my hand and walking next to me to crawling into bed and cuddling for a few minutes each morning, you've reminded me in a million ways that my life is beautiful.

Never stop being you. I can promise you this baby, no matter what happens in your life, I will always be your biggest fan. I am so very proud of you. 

Happy 7th Birthday my Caleb Aden Ralston. 
Mommy loves you... more & more.

I'll have a fairytale, with a twist.

When I was younger I dreamed of a fairytale like I had seen in the movies. A princess locked in a tower, waiting for her prince charming to brave the woods, slay the dragon& rescue her.

Inside walls most people didn't know existed I lived with scars from battles that I couldn't wrap my head around. I dreamed& touted freedom& love while wishing I could make them real. 

I have had a beautiful life. Family not many are lucky to experience. Friends I couldn't imagine my life's journey without. Love, laughter, amazing experiences... & 3 incredible little boys who changed my world one at a time & everyday since they arrived. I had the honor of marrying a man I thought was perfect. A man I respected & adored. 

I chose to believe my fairy tale had arrived & all I had left was living happily ever after. 

And then time allowed healing, growth, and changes in perspective. I began to see that I had counted on a hero, when I was the only one who could save me from myself, from the castle tower I had built and crawled into for protection from the storms. As I saw myself in a new light, I saw what was & was not working in my life in new ways. I saw things that needed change... and slowly, painfully, and completely imperfectly I set out to change them. 

If I'm being completely honest, my clear realization of what was going on didn't come until much more recently. The struggle and underlying feelings however began some time ago. 

I am choosing not to dredge back through the what, why & how. I am here. And I want to share where "here" is...

I described myself to someone awhile back as a princess type. I like the idea of my castle and happily ever after. But what I realized since then is I'm not cinderella. I don't hide in corners, waiting for prince charming. I'm a WARRIOR princess. Fighting for my cause, my castle... myself. I am learning to embrace what I've known but been afraid to fully accept... I have everything I need. And "prince charming" had better be able to keep up if he plans on being in my world! ;)

Life is not some make-believe story. And fairy tales are not all about the rescue... I think they're more about love. So if I can love myself, truly love myself the way I want to be loved, then I think I already have the PERFECT fairy tale.

(& I have 3 cute princes in my story too!! ;p)

There's a saying someone sent me, that I adore.
"Strong women wear their pain like stilettos. No matter how much it hurts all you see is the beauty of it."
I certainly hope that the beauty I see & create will be seen by those around me as well.

It has been some time since I have spoken out in my little forum.
I think this is the safest place to speak, no one need read it who doesn't want to, I don't feel I'm shoving things in people's faces, and I am able to openly speak about whatever is on my mind.

Needless to say today is about politics. But for me, many people's responses to the election today have left me broken hearted. I want to believe in people. I want to believe people love... I would like to think that regardless of if we get our way, we will back our country, believe& hope for the best& most importantly keep our focus on what really matters.

America's biggest problem is NOT our president. It is the people. Stop talking sh!t about people who currently have less & start reaching out to the people around you, offering helping hands, open minds& loving hearts is FAR more important than how you "feel" about pretty much anything.
I don't care what party you lean towards or immerse yourself in...
You want respect? You want people to take up your cause, hear your point of view& CARE? Then stop being a self-important jack@ss & start caring about the REAL issues.
I have repeatedly heard people make issue of welfare. Blaming Obama for all the "lazy entitled" people on welfare. Are you serious?

Have you ever asked the person standing in line with food stamps, WIC coupons& their iPhone with their newer car parked outside why or how they fell from where they were to where they are?
Or wondered what it's like to stay awake nights wondering how you'll pay your next phone bill or car payment& praying that something works out so you can not lose one more thing that makes you feel normal?
Have you stayed away nights wondering if the money you're given will keep your kids fed until you can find some other way??
Have you EVER asked the person on medicaid why they can't afford insurance or how they feel handing over THAT card?
Do you have ANY idea what it feels like to stand in their shoes??

I do. It's not fun, &it's anything but easy.
I've cried in front of social workers while answering simple questions to determine eligibility.
I have cringed as I hand over a WIC coupon and people behind me in line stare & look me up & down as if to determine if I truly look poor enough to deserve it.
I have bit my lip to hold back tears when the clerk says "Oh wait that's a food card? Hold on I need to adjust this..."
I've felt my heart start racing while I hope I can get out of the store before anyone else sees me use another form of help.
And I've bit my lip in shame while I begged a doctor I was used to seeing to accept medicaid so my kids didn't have to start over with doctors I didn't trust.
I've lived without sleep because my thoughts are consumed with where I'll find the money to put enough gas in the car to get to my next job interview, or wondered if my low paycheck would be enough to bring my bank account current, or if I can afford childcare so I can spend more time away from my kids trying to make sure they don't feel the stress or realize that Mommy & Daddy have no money...
I have formed excuses for why my kid can't attend activities or birthday parties because I can't scrape enough together to pay the fee or buy a gift.
I've lived what felt like endless weeks, sick with guilt, shame& fear of "what if"... what if I can't fix it this time? What if I don't make rent? What if my kids notice how much of our stuff has been sold to pay basic bills...

Say what you want about the government, but stop assuming you know people living with less than you. Stop acting like we're all taking the easy way out. Sometimes what hurts more than applying and being approved for welfare is dealing with the ignorant masses and their uninformed judgements.

It's with pride I have pulled myself out of this state before. It is the greatest sense of relief after living this life, to walk into a store with CASH, & know that no one gets to judge you this time. It's a feeling that can never come soon enough to the general population taking advantage of the help offered because they have no other choice.

If you've managed to avoid this kind of desperation, I am soo happy for you. Maybe you should be more thankful for what you have& the ability you've been given to earn it, and stop spending so much time judging those who for whatever reason, for however long, haven't had that privilege.

"America is great because she is good, if America ever ceases to be good, America will cease to be great."

Wake up people... YOU, WE, are America. Not just the president.

Time is on my side.

"I don't have time."

How often do we say these words? And how often are they untrue?
I have used this excuse a million times... and most times thought I was telling the truth.
Lately I've realized something very important: not having the time, and not taking the time, are two VERY different things. So why am I so scared to admit what is and is not important to me?

As a mom I've found I can NEVER have enough time. My days fly by, and there is always something left undone. My to-do list never ends, my chores are never fully caught up, my house is never quite as clean as I'd like it, the meals I make seem to rarely go as planned, my friends never get the time I'd like to give them, my children never get as much attention as I'd like them to have, and my husband hardly ever gets the attention he deserves. And yet I have come to this conclusion: Time, is all that I have.

What is life except time?
It's all any of us have.
Time is always on our side.
We wake up and go to sleep using time along the way.

It is all of our right to decide how we spend our time, whom we give it to, and how efficiently we use it.
It is our choice what things, people, and situations we wish to take the time for, and it is a vital part of our lives to choose wisely.
We can claim we don't have time, yet the true statement would be: "I am not going to give my time to ___."
Why do we feel guilty admitting that some things are not priorities to us?  That some people, or situations are not deemed by us worth spending our energy or time on at any given moment? There is no crime in saying, "no".

Most of us would like to have time to do a great number of things we choose not to, and the truth is that is simply because there are other things more important to us. What's wrong with that? Nothing that I can see. Some days, leaving my house a mess to play with my children is more important to me than cleaning. Some times, being with a dear friend is more important to me than taking a phone call, text message, or visit from one whom I barely know. And sometimes, having a clean house, dinner made, and being showered and dressed is important enough to me to put aside all else and make it happen.
That's life. That's MY life.

My goal is to live an honest life. Honest with my husband, children, friends, and most importantly myself.
It's not that I don't have time to go to church on Sunday morning, it's simply that the time I get with my family is more important to me right now than sorting through the bs I have found in that situation, or having fellowship with those I currently don't know or care much about at this point in my life.
It's not that I don't have the time to go get a job and bring in more money, it's that spending that time with my children and being the biggest influence in their lives means more to me than having the extra money that might create less stress for a moment in our lives, for now.
I would rather... it's always, I would rather, not a lack of time, that drives me to the choices I make.
Sometimes I feel regret for things I've done, not because I would change my life, or who I am, but because of who I am I see ways I could have spent my time more wisely, and gained greater reward for myself in the long run. And yet, I won't take the time most days to even bother with the regret. :D

It's a wonderful feeling. It's freeing really... to be able to say honestly: I will not give you my time. Or: I will not give that my time.

It's not worth the time of day... is a very true statement.

So perhaps I share all of this because I hope to hear honesty back from those I love, and I may not always like it or want to hear it, and I will respect you as much as I respect myself for my admittance of the same. When the time comes, please don't tell me you don't have time, or don't have enough time... acknowledge that time is ALL we have. And be real. It's just not worth YOUR time, sometimes. And that, is ok by me.

There is one other side to this I must touch on... there is a price and a payoff in everything that we give our time to. Sleep is important to me, the price I pay for spending time sleeping is that I don't get to catch up on things I didn't take time for earlier, like unfinished projects, or housework... the payoff? I'm a better Mom& wife when I have slept at night.
The price I pay for a late night out with friends or family is lack of sleep, and having to half-ass my duties sometimes around my house. The payoff? Those much needed breaks from my routine to laugh, play& talk with those around me help me grow, and poor energy into me in other ways than sleep ever could.
See?
Price& payoff are always involved. And it is always my choice.
So I must learn to evaluate... and choose wisely. Never taking time for friends could cost me friends when I truly need them to give their time back to me, so is what might keep me from them really worth the payoff I will get? Never taking time for myself could cost me running dry and not having anything left to give others... so is it worth it this time?
Sometimes the price will outweigh the payoff, next time it might not. Life is always changing. And how I spend my time will help determine how much of mine is joy, sorrow, pleasure or pain.

So how are you spending your time today?
I am going to spend some time with my children now. :)

xoxo

Nothing vague about it.

My son's voice from a couple of days ago is playing over and over in my head this morning...

"Mommy, please don't invite my other dad, Adrian....... I really don't want him to come to our Christmas. I don't know him, and I don't like him. I don't want him to come to my house. Please don't..."

A conversation between my sister and I about plans for Christmas day... talking about when Aunt Kasey& Aunt Adriene would show up on Christmas evening, and out of nowhere I got this request.
I wanted to find it funny, instead it just broke my heart.
He repeated himself once or twice while I sat there stunned, not sure how to respond... and after I finally assured him I would not extend the invitation he followed with...

"Thanks Mom! I just don't want him here. I don't know him. And I love my new Daddy."

I would have cried if he hadn't been sitting in front of me. 

On one hand, knowing he loves his Daddy is wonderful.

At the same time, realizing that just because he doesn't talk about him every day, we hadn't really talked about him in months, doesn't mean he doesn't understand what was explained to him fully this year... that he has a different biological father than this brothers, and that man's not here, and never was... it sucks.

I'm sure there are things I just don't understand. I'm sure that I could be more sympathetic. I just don't want to, because I love this little boy more than anything in this world and it hurts to watch his face when he's saying things like this. 

He's 4. His greatest worry should be what paint to use on his picture, and whether to ride his scooter or his bike, and which legos to build next... he shouldn't be wondering who this guy is and if he might show up to disrupt his world. 

He has asked so many questions this year, and I've done my best to provide honest, gentle answers.
I've given him examples of friends of his/ours who also have biological fathers, all of them different with different relationships and outcomes, explaining that anything is possible and it will be what we make of it, and I've listened to responses such as, "Does Micah hate his the same way I hate my 'logilogical' Dad?", that one hurt to hear. I explained to my young son that hate is a choice that harms mostly those choosing to allow the feeling, and we really shouldn't hate. Especially people we don't know. Besides, he didn't remember him, how did he know he wouldn't like him? "He's a good guy", I said. And then I stopped and wondered when I started sounding so much like my mother. I remember being 4/5ish and older and my Mom giving me the same speeches about my so-called Father. I remember looking at her wondering if she thought I was stupid. I knew what a good guy was, at least I had my definition of it at my age, and the one who wasn't there for his kids was not it.
No excuses make up for just not showing up. Or even sending a card.
I give up.
I decided my son has the right to choose. I will never bad mouth any father in front of him.
I haven't ever tried to make him dislike someone, and I won't be starting with Adrian.
I believe my son to be intelligent enough to decide whom he likes& dislikes& why.
I will not brush off his feelings, nor attempt to defend, not again.

Honestly, I'm sure it hurts me more than him right now.
He has a family he adores, and a Daddy he thinks rules the world... and anyone who knows him knows that no one makes up his mind for him. He's not easily swayed towards or away from one thing or another. He already makes up his own mind, and I can't, and would not even if I could, take that right away from him.

Most days I would rather choose silence than attempt to justify myself, or explain to people who are obviously not seeing the whole picture, why things are the way they are. Most days I don't let it get to me that I am responsible and no matter how I hate it, it's my job as Mom to tell my son as much truth as he wishes to know. Most days.

Sometimes, for a moment at a time, for those moments when Caleb wants to know why, where& how... in those moments I wish you knew. I wish everyone saw the whole thing, I wish it was played on a movie screen so that I could see what I should be doing next, and so that there could be no lies. He couldn't accuse, I couldn't justify& no one could blame. 

I'll get over it. I'll have no choice apparently.
The man who was supposed to be Dad has traded truth for some story even he can't possibly believe.
He's taken to throwing things in my face that never even happened.
Interchanging stories of women in his life, so that truth isn't even an option.
Maybe it's his alcohol addiction. Maybe it's his way of coping.
Whatever it is... I want no part of it.

I will keep figuring out the best way to handle things, and in the mean time people can speculate and hold onto their ideas of what is right... I'm not concerned with right, I'm doing what works for us.

Another side, not Mom.

Sometimes I write things.
.
.
.
.
Just like that the walls can crumble
Snap your fingers, hear them fall
Turn your back and listen close...
They'll sound as if they're mocking you

Flash freeze, enjoy the breeze
The calm before the storm
Lay me down inside my tomb
Leave me there alive
For life is full of empty threats
And unexpected blows

Here it's always quiet
Never a noise I don't approve
For lack of better knowledge
I close my eyes and smile
Please think of me as I wish to be...
Your friend,
The happy daughter.

I have everything.

It's funny how fast life changes...

One minute I'm falling very purposefully in love, my boo is saying the word, "Daddy", for the first time in his life, we're traveling through Germany, Poland& Austria... talking about forever, counting down the months& days until we're all together again....

Now here we are... house hunting, you teaching our boys how to be the kind of men they can be proud to be, both of us spending our days holding hands and holding onto each moment with our beautiful children while we walk through each and every day's new adventures and trials alike. Together. Forever is happening now. We always said forever started from day one, and yet we had to wait for so much... and it was worth it baby.

I wouldn't trade what we have now for the world.
You drive me crazy, make me smile, drive me wild, keep me laughing, bring me back to solid ground, challenge me, protect me when things get to be too much, and remind me of the strength we have in what we're creating together. I can't imagine wanting anything more. And yet I can't stop dreaming of all the possibilities the future could hold for us.

Looking back is so good for me to do sometimes, it's a great reminder when I start to get overwhelmed or lost in the hustle of our day to day lives, that we've earned everything that we have and are, and that we're exactly where we want to be right now.  We have come so far...  held on, forgiven, hoped, believed, broken down, searched, found, built... chosen.
We started with a choice and every day it's making that choice all over again that makes us even better than the day before. I look forward to every day of my life with you and our beautiful children, and to every adventure our lives are sure to still hold. I love waking up next to you while our boys invade our bed, and someday when they're grown and gone I'll still love waking up next to my favorite man on earth.

I love you madly.